A month after triple bypass surgery, I’m definitely in the irritated and impatient stage of healing; I can do a little more, some improved independence, but then I’m easily overwhelmed/ exhausted by simple tasks. Joseph reminds me that what seemed impossible last week is doable now, and that every day I get physically better and stronger, less pain and more ease of movement.

A couple days ago, between the stark cold freezes, I walked a mile for the first time since surgery, on my own, with a better if still slow pace and less wobbly, and realized that pre-surgery in Sept / October I’d have been out of breath half way for sure and that’s not the case now.

I am still in quite a bit of discomfort with an achy hurt as the chest heals with its giant scar, but the bandages are finally all off from the various harvest sites on my wrist and thigh, as well as all the places where tubes had been attached while hospitalized. My entire body itches with the hair growing back from being shaved ahead of surgery.

We got upstate after Christmas for the first days since our pre-surgery trip at Thanksgiving, just in time for a winter wonderland of a snowstorm that covered the house and with about 11 inches of snow. I got up and outside despite the chill, and managed to walk a little in the early winter beauty, before stationing myself indoors tending a fire in the fireplace and resting for the rest of the day. 

Journaling:

Dec 8, 2025: “((((this is healing)))) I’m out of ICU three + days after triple heart bypass surgery on Thursday – and moved last night into private room after some of the many tubes were removed. I’m doing okay it has been A LOT and still might have a day or so in hospital ahead… Joseph is doing such wonderful loving care and present support, and we’re managing with additional support from loved ones. I didn’t have any symptoms until Sept so this has all been very sudden. I’ve been well cared for with skilled nurses, surgeons, doctors, and I’ve stayed a clear advocate for my health and care; I’m grateful for our health insurance through my work! After discharge, I’ll be away from work at home recovering for maybe another month or so. It has been totally scary, but I’m determined to be loving and resilient, patient and fierce in the care of the realities of it all. This past weekend I was supposed to be down in Miami where my art was featured so beautifully by the CAMP Gallery at SCOPE Art Fair. I’ve been cheered by the photos and reels (and a real good sale) have helped so much. I did this art journal work the day before surgery as my way to share the news when I was ready, and today felt like I was healing, healing, healing.”

Dec 9, 2025: “We just got me home! I was discharged today, after six days in the hospital, and so glad to be home and resting with a warm cup of tea and no cords/cables attached to me beeping – it was A LOT but often I found grace and strength connecting with hospital staff, doctors, nurses from a personal, school administrator perspective that saw their work, systems of operations, and individuals providing important care at every level of patient support. Recognizing their skillful handling of challenges so entirely requiring engaged, precise collaboration and team work, noting the strong high achieving, determined global immigration representation across all levels.”

Dec 11, 2025:  “It is really incredible that one can be home and kinda up and about a week after super skilled humans cut into your rib cage and re-spliced some plumbing around your heart! I had no symptoms till Sept and then thought it was heartburn; October brought tests to show severe silent blockage. A week ago today I had triple bypass surgery; heart is good shape, just fixing some of the plumbing is what my cardiologist shared. I’ll be continuing recovery and healing at home, already engaged with cardio rehab plan, away from work probably a month or so but hoping a little gentle sewing in a comfy chair will soon help keep me mending body and spirit.”

Hospital notes, Dec 5-8:

“Sunday four days later, I’m still covered in tubes. Fortunately some are starting to come out, the catheter taken in this morning was a welcome if still an adjustment to gaining back agency of my body. The first day was terrible, all of what I feared and worse, a night heavily sedated after surgery that left me feeling high on the pain meds, sometimes awake with the panic of the breathing tube still in, and then a terrible morning wide awake while waiting for the breathing tube to be taken out. Deeply traumatized and trying to stay calm to the words of the skilled care givers that I had to wait a little longer due to swelling. And afterwards the waves of panic washed over me, like when the tsunami pulls back from the shores and then crashes back with the unexpected force.

Like the tremors after an earthquake I’ve had some minor aftershocks, the continued view of the tangled cords and wires coming out of my neck, arms, chest is still a gruesome vision I’ve mostly tried not to see. This morning when the chest sutures came out and the chest tubes were cleaned I was able to look at my vulnerable body and speak: healing healing healing.”

“Monday morning, the first day I could really feel the difference now that the tubes we removed yesterday. Having a little more agency over my body functions and being moved to a private room instead of ICU has helped greatly. I’ve been specifically in an all cardiac care facility, and care has been excellent. This is healing too I say to the impatience, the frustration, the delays and the discomforts. I try to just bring breath into my body, one of the areas I’m being monitored with beeping tangled cords that obstruct the movement I’m seeking already. Breath work was never a meditation superpower in my practice. When I was a young dancer I’d watch video and realize everyone else was breathing in the sensible places, but I was holding my breath and then adding a release, breath in at a less reliable pause.”

Journal Oct 22, 2025: “Listening to my body and the fiery ache of discomfort, chest heavy, breath thin and labored, when my therapist asks what is my body telling me I say directly like it was a Times Square billboard text art by Jenny Holzer or a room-sized installation of the distinct text graphics of Barbara Kruger: ‘that l’ve swallowed down so much anger and fear, of course I have heartburn!’ Could there be a more Tower Time image like the Tarot card than the destruction of the White House as a metaphor for the collapse of democracy? know I’m not alone in feeling the rage and sense of powerlessness and wanting to be protected and caring of others against this terrible dismantling of societal structures, decades of progress, and failing safeguards. So many of us Cassandras did all we could to warn of the harms, but even still the velocity and fervor of the unimaginable shocks me still.”

In September, trying to lose some weight and manage what I thought was GI related issues, I started to walk to work again, but found myself clutching my chest and out of breath after just a few blocks. Believing it was heartburn, though my reflux symptoms weren’t present, I continued on walking but did schedule a doctor’s appointment, and then a cardiologist appointment. I was starting to have discomfort in my left arm and hand, which I was told are classic heart blockage symptoms. Still, my blood pressure and numbers were pretty good, and I went in for a heart cath test where a camera is sent up through the wrist to take photos, and assumed, at worst, I might need a stent. The results were surprising, two fully blocked arteries and a third at 75% despite being on the statins and as vegetarian / none drinker for more than 30 years.

These have been very isolating weeks we’ve experienced since mid-November following the diagnosis. I’ve got a little more than three weeks I think before returning to work, been so weird to be away from colleagues and students, and I’ve so appreciated the care and support in my absence. It is hard not to focus on how terrible and disruptive, difficult and challenging this unexpected health crisis has been, for me and for Joseph, too. I’m also really aware of how grateful I am to have had great care, making a steady recovery, and that our insurance covered the care I required. Especially nowadays I know none of that is a certainty in this country. I’m definitely healing, growing stronger every day, and look forward to a new year with regained health and a commitment to wellness and care for my body and spirit.